


Banded

by Dancingqueen17



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 07:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18773626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancingqueen17/pseuds/Dancingqueen17
Summary: When Sirius attempts suicide for the fourth time, he forced to wear a bracelet that alerts everyone when he's feeling suicidal. Yet that doesn't stop him. And on his fifth suicide attempt more precautionary measures were put in place.  Aside from the fact that the Marauders won't even let him use the bathroom alone, Sirius is becoming increasingly lonely after being treated more like a chore than a friend.





	1. Chapter 1

Sirius's first suicide attempt was when he was 12. He hated himself and so did everyone else. Though he had to admit, it was poorly planned out. The noose wasn't tight enough. The chandelier wasn't strong enough. He ended up with several cuts from the broken glass and a beating for breaking the chandelier. No help. No sympathy. Just the usual cold shoulder and a blood replenishing spell and he was good to go.

His second was when he was 14. He was sick of being alone. So he swallowed a handful of pills. He ended up throwing them all back up and beat for making a mess. He should have taken stronger ones. That was his mistake.

His third attempt was six months ago when he was 15. He tried to drown himself in his tub. He ended up almost dead. He was so close he could taste it. Then he was being pulled back to the surface by none other than Regulus. God, he hated that kid. He was so damn close.

His fourth attempt was around six hours ago. He had sliced his wrists open. It wasn't as poetic as he had planned, but at the moment it was the best option. Things were going swimmingly. But he was found by a certain nosy werewolf before he could finish the job. Damn that Remus, always ruining his plans.

So now he waited. Sirius hated waiting. He waited for Madam Pomfrey to finish tending to his wounds. He waited until James stopped giving him looks of pity. He waited until his parents came and yelled at him for wasting their time. Sirius knew they wouldnt be happy to receive a message about their eldest sons suicide attempt. Again. They had better things to do. He had begged Madam Pomfrey not to message them, but of course she did anyway. He should have just died. It would have been easier.

He thought about ripping open his wounds, but Pomfrey had him bound to the bed for "his own good". He just wanted a easy death. But people were making that increasingly difficult.

____________

He heard them before he saw them. The loud clacking of heels in the floor. The heavy footfalls of expensive shoes. His parents were here. And from the irritated looks they were sporting, he could guess they weren’t happy about it. 

Walburga and Orion Black were never the caring type. They demanded perfection in every way. Though Sirius hated to say it, his parents looked perfect. They always did. His mothers soft features, small statue, and smooth skin made her look like a model. His father's sharp features and impressive 6"8 height made him look like he belonged on the cover of a magazine. In all honesty he belonged in jail. His parents were powerful people. They got what they wanted, no matter what it was. Sirius had the bruises to prove it.

"Poppy, why did you need us here. It was my understanding that he was in stable condition." Walburga said promptly. Her sons wellbeing was never on the top of her agenda.

"I wanted to enforce the Banding Method. I needed legal guardians here to do so." Pomfrey said politely.

Sirius had heard of the banding method. That explained the bracelet on his left wrist. That method had only needed to be used a handful of times. The Banding method consisted of the suicidal party getting a black bracelet. The bracelet tracked the suicidal persons thought and actions. Whenever the suicidal person was feeling or displaying signs of emotional or physical distress anyone else who had a bracelet received an alert. The alert differed in color depending on the severity of the damage. The alerts went in rainbow order, with red as the lowest and purple as the highest. Sirius did not want to be on the banding method, as it would make killing himself much harder. Why were these people so insistent on him being alive?

"Sounds fine to me. Do we need to have a bracelet?" Orion inquired sharply.

"It would be best for both of you to wear one." Madam Pomfrey said, snapping the bracelets around the Black's wrists.

"Is that all? I have matters to tend to." Walburga said impatiently.

Sirius never blatantly asked for him mother attention. It would be nice if she at least checked on her son though. But hey, who would want to check on the disgrace to the family. Sirius felt a wave of self hatred roll through him. He saw his parents bracelets glow a dull red color. They glanced at him with irritation. He was wasting their time. He was just wasting everyone's time. The red grew brighter.

Walburga sighed. " May we talk to him alone." It wasnt a question, it was a command. 

Madam Pomfrey nodded and went to heal a second years broken wrist.

Sirius's parents closed the curtains around his bed and put up a quick silencing charm. 

"I did not appreciate getting called from work to come check in on you Sirius." Orion said grimly.

"Maybe if you checked in more often this wouldn't have happened." Sirius grumbled. 

Orion grabbed Sirius's jaw and forced him to look up. "Do not blame me for your own incompetence. You did this to yourself. And you didn’t even do it correctly. What is this now, your fourth attempt? Are you that stupid to the point you can’t even kill your self? Pathetic.” 

Sirius could feel the bruise forming on his jaw. Orion let go and put a covering charm over the bruise.

"If I have to come back here again just know the beating you'll be getting will be a good one. I’m sure you know we have better things to do then check on a incompetent waste of time, such as you.” Sirius watched his mother's pretty features turn into a snarl.

Walburga removed the silencing charm just as Pomfrey came back.

"I'm a very busy man Poppy, I must be going." Orion spares one last look to Sirius before he and his wife left. Sirius knew that look. It was a warning.

"I'm sure you heard our conversation. I have given a bracelet to the Headmaster, Mcgonagall, Your parents, Remus, Peter, James, and Myself of course." Madam Pomfrey said.

"Great, I'm sure the Minister of Magic will want one too. Since were giving one to everybody." Sirius grumbled.

He wasnt worth everyone's time. They had all made a silent pact to help him. He didnt need help. He didnt deserve it.

Madam Pomfrey's bracelet turned a dull red. 

"Oh Sirius, we'll help you through this." She said hugging him tightly.

Madam Pomfrey wiped the tears from her eyes. Then spoke in a much stronger voice.

"I need you to be strong for me. You are such a bright individual. I will do everything in my power to save you Mr.Black."

Before Sirius could give a bullshit answer, Remus, James and Peter ran into the hospital wing frantically.

"Our bracelets changed, is he ok." James said out of breath. He had clearly ran the whole way here 

"Yes, he is fine. Now Sirius, you are well enough to be sent back to your dorm. I expect you boys will keep a close eye on him." Pomfrey said gesturing to James, Remus and Peter.

The boys nodded eagerly. It was like he was some kind of assignment. He hated it.

"I dont need a fucking babysitter." Sirius said slipping out of the bed. Pomfrey had finally removed those invisible ropes that bound him to the bed.

"Language Mr. Black." Sirius shivered he hated that name.

"I'm sure a babysitter will do you some good. 3 to be exact. Now off with you it's almost past curfew.

_________________________________

The walk back to the dormitory was silent. Sirius didn't mind though. He had grown to like silence. James Potter on the other hand, did not. 

"So are we gonna talk about this?" James asked.

The boys all looked at Sirius expectantly.

"I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrist but Remus caught me. Now I have to wear this damn bracelet and be monitored like a dog. That about cover it?" Sirius said grimly staring at his feet.

Nobody said anything after that. The rest of the walk was silent.

When they reached the dorms Sirius started walking towards the bathroom, only to find Remus hot on his trail. When Sirius turned to ask why the hell he was being followed he was met by Remus's harsh glare.

"This is where you tried it last time. I don't want that to happen again." Remus sounded angry. Did Sirius make Remus angry? Did everyone feel that way? God, he was so stupid. Of course everyone was mad at him. He was useless. He was wasting their time. He should have died. He should have never been fucking born. He was wasting everyone's time.

Sirius's thoughts were interrupted when he was engulfed in a hug. He saw that his bracelet had turned bright red. He was really starting to hate these things.

"I'm not mad at you, I just dont want to see you like that again." Remus said softly.

Sirius nodded and let Remus follow him into the bathroom. It was gonna be a long day.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been 3 days. 3 fucking days without a moment alone. Someone was always there. Sirius loathed those damn bracelets. Yesterday it had turned blue and James had almost had a heart attack. He seriously needed a way to let out his feelings, but without his blade Sirius was finding that increasingly difficult. 

Over the past 3 days he had tried every removal spell in the books. Discretely of course, he couldn't risk getting caught. He had even gone to the library too look. His new interest in books excited Remus, who thought he was getting better. Sirius though, believed he was getting worse. Quite frankly he didn't want to get either. He just wanted to die. Which he couldn't do with this goddamn bracelet on.

"Sirius." Peter said softly while hugging him. Sirius noticed the bracelet had turned red. He wanted to chuck this thing out of the window. He hated it.

"We leave you alone with him for ten minutes and we're already getting alerts." James said as he and Remus walked into the dormitory.

"Sorry guys, I was just trying to get some homework done." Peter said embarrassed.

Sirius sighed. His friends couldn't even get work done while he was around. He felt a wave of self loathing rising and pushed it down. If he wanted to be left alone he had to be trusted.

"Sorry guys, it won't happen again. I'll make sure of it." Sirius said with mock determination.

Remus raised an eyebrow at his sudden optimism, but James and Peter looked convinced.

"Seems like we're making progress. Great. Come on, let's go to lunch." James said.

"Can I stay here, I already ate." Sirius said looking at Peter.

"Its true he had some of my treats." Peter said quietly.

The Marauders looked at each other.

"Okay, we'll be back in like 30 minutes." Peter's stomach grumbled. "Make that 45." James said laughing as he walked out the door.

But Remus wasn’t convinced. “Sirius, What the fuck was that?”

Sirius tilted his head innocently. “Whatever do you mean?” 

Remus let out a low growl of frustration. For some reason the sound made shivers run down his spine.

“That show you just put on was horrendous. I’ve seen Peter lie better than that.” Remus said accusingly.

“I just need to be alone. I love you guys but being around you 24/7 makes me want to puke.” Sirius lied.

“Ouch, ok I know where I’m not wanted. See ya later.” Remus said dramatically with his hand on Sirius’s shoulder, before leaving.

Sirius felt tingles where Remus’s hand had been. But he knew he wasn’t supposed to. So he pushed those feelings down. He had shit to do.

Sirius quickly uttered a locking charm on the door and walked swiftly to the bathroom. He searched in his hiding spot under the sink for his blades. Sure enough they were there. Old habits never die.  
He didnt have much time. He could see his bracelet turning red. He pressed the blade to his skin softly and tore into his flesh. Over and over again. He felt bad. Well that was an understatement. He had lied to his friends. He had lied to Remus. The puddle of blood in front of him was growing larger. He felt dizzy. He heard knocking. He kept going. Then nothing. The last thing he saw before he passed out was the purple light shining from his bracelet.


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius woke up to the the sickening smell of cleaning products. He knew that smell. He was in the hospital wing. Why was it that he could never do anything right. He couldn’t even fucking kill himself. God he was worthless. He couldn’t even think straight due to the excessive beeping from the machine he was attached to. He was so fucking sick of this.

"Mr. Black, Thank God, I knew you would pull through" Madame Pomfrey said hugging Sirius tightly.

" I know you probably want to see your friends, let me fetch them."

Madame Pomfrey was nearly gone before Sirius registered what she said. "No!" He yelled.

Madame Pomfrey jumped at his voice. "And just why not? Those boys were worried sick about you. I just about had to beat them off with a stick last night. Please let them see that you're ok."

Sirius didn't respond. He hated how these people cared for him. He wished they would just let him go.

James was the first to come in. His eyes were bloodshot and he had tears running down his face. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days. When Remus and Peter came in, Sirius saw they looked the same.

"Siri, we're so sorry. We shouldn't have left you when you were in that, that state." James said hysterically while hugging Sirius.

Remus and Peter nodded slowly and muttered thoughtful apologies of their own before joining James and hugging Sirius.

After around 5 minutes the arms wrapped around him slowly removed themselves. 

"I assume Pomfrey already told you the plan." Remus said lightly.

Sirius shook his head. "What plan?"

"Well, uh, she kinda put a spell on you so you had to be within 10 feet of someone." Remus quickly said.

Sirius groaned, earning himself concerned looks from his friends. He had his work cut out for him.

James and Peter looked at each other before nodding. “We should probably go get you some food. We’ll be back.” James said before they scurried off.

When just Sirius and Remus were in the room there was complete silence. At least there was until Remus started sobbing. “I’m so sorry Sirius. I left you alone. I should’ve stayed. Fuck, please promise me if it gets bad you’ll talk to me, or someone. Just please don’t do that again.” Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius. And for some reason Sirius felt more safe.  
He always felt safe in Remus’s arms. He knew he shouldn’t, but he did. Why did he care? Why did Remus care if he died? Remus could do so much better than him. Everyone could do so much better than him.

When Remus unwrapped his arms from around Sirius he muttered something about needing tissues and walked away. Sirius missed the warmth Remus gave him. It made his heart lurch to think about the fact that he had made him cry. He had made everyone cry. He was such a burden.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some harsh words in this one so tread carefully

Sirius wasnt quite sure how he was gonna pull this off. Remus wasn't kidding when he said Madame Pomfrey had put more protective spells around him. Not only did he have to be in a ten foot radius of someone at all times, he also had to go to therapy every Tuesday and Thursday. On top of all that Sirius had to have his parents accompany him to every session. If he had just died, this never would have happened. He blamed this entirely on himself.

___________________

"What lead you to suicide Sirius?" Some lady with a notepad and glasses asked him. He hadn't listened when she said her name. Frankly he didn't care.

"I think it was just built up stress." Sirius lied. With his father on his left and his mother on his right, the truth wasn't really an option.

"I understand this was your second attempt." The lady said. He needed a name for her. He was gonna call her Penny. That suited her well.

"Sirius, I believe she asked you a question." Walburga said sweetly, too sweetly.

"Sorry ma'am, uh yes this is my second attempt." Sirius had lied again. If he had counted correctly this was his 32nd lie in the past hour.

"Okay, well, what do you think about a prescription for the suicidal thoughts, I think it will be effective." Penny said politely, while writing the name of the medicine on a piece of paper.

Orion glanced at the time and grabbed the paper from her. "Yes, thank you. We will do everything we can to keep our son safe."

And if Sirius didn't know any better he would have believed it too.

__________________

"So how was it?" James, who was his chaperone of the hour asked.

"As good as talking about your suicide attempts with a random lady can be." Sirius said absentmindedly while finishing his potions essay.

"Well that's uh, good. I guess." James responded awkwardly while going back to his homework.

Sirius was glad his bracelet had been taken off. At least now he could hate himself in peace. He needed a smoke. Problem was the nearest pack of cigarettes were more than ten feet away. He hated this shit.

"Hey you ok." James asked concerned.

"Yeah, just dandy" Sirius replied lazily. He thought death was easy. But nothing's easy for him. Maybe because he was worthless. Maybe because he didn't deserve anything. Death was too generous for him.

"I um, it's time, for uh, you know." James scratched his neck awkwardly.

But Sirius got the jist of what he was saying. Every so often he became too much of a nuisance for one of his friends, so he was traded off to another. In this particular instance, James had quidditch practice. Though Sirius was on the quidditch team, his current "condition" had McGonagall making him take a temporary leave until he was "better". He was nothing but a burden to these people. He wished they didn't care.

"Come on Siri." James said, escorting him to the library where Remus was.

Sirius was tired of being treated like a chore. Sirius was tired of it all.

_____________

When Sirius and his escort, James, reached the library, it took a bit of searching to find Remus. When they did find him he was standing on a ladder trying to reach a book off the top shelf. Sirius noticed how adorable he looked standing on his tiptoes trying to grab, what looked like, an encyclopedia. He also noticed how cute his hair looked when it was flopping over his face. Or how beautiful his cheeks looked when they were flushed. Or how... wait, What was he thinking? He shouldn’t be crushing on his friend. He shouldn’t be crushing on a boy in general. That was wrong. A wave of memories crashed upon him. And before he could stop them, it was like he was reliving them again.

*Flashback*  
Sirius was at one of his stupid cousins pure blood parties. He has dressed up in his best attire, as his parents had wished. He had been tolerable to everyone, as his parents had wished. And he had even engaged himself in some small talk, as his parents had wished. Everything was going according to plan. Until some boy came up to talk to him. Then things began to fall apart.

“Hi, I’m Greenborrow. Nathan Greenborrow.” The boy introduced.

Sirius immediately recognized that name. The Greenborrow’s were a very wealthy pure blood family. Of course father would be pleased to find Sirius speaking with him.

“I’m Sirius Black, so I hear business is going well for your family.”

Everyone knew that the Greenborrows made their money in very scandalous ways. Nathan’s eyes glinted a dangerous green. It made him look almost feral for a moment. And for some reason Sirius liked it.

“Business is always going well for us. This party is kinda lame though. Mine are a thousand times better.” Nathan bragged.

“Really, where do you usually host yours?” Sirius asked curiously.

“Usually my bedroom, I can start one if you’d like.” Nathan said seductively, while running his fingers up Sirius’s arm. 

Sirius wasn’t exactly a virgin at the time, but these feelings were new to him. Tingles shot up his arms and he blushed a deep red. It felt so right. He felt himself lean into Nathan’s touch.

“Sirius! What the hell are you doing!” His Fathers booming voice brought him out of his daze. 

Sirius pulled back embarrassed. His father was making his way through the crowd rather quickly. Sirius had nowhere to run and Nathan had bailed when he saw the look in his fathers eyes.

“What were you doing with the Greenborrow boy.” Orion asked menacingly. Sirius opened his mouth to respond but Orion cut him off. “Do you like him? You fucking faggot. I should have known.” Orion growled while grabbing Sirius’s sleeve and apparating them both back home.

The moment they had crossed the threshold to the house all hell broke loose. Orion pushed over the tall grandfather clock that stood in the living room and pulled pictures off the wall.

“My son. My Fucking Son, is a fucking faggot.” Orion said bitterly, like the words hurt him.

Orion stalked closer to Sirius in a predatory manner. When he was near him the first thing he did was punch him in the face. Sirius stumbled and slumped against the wall. But the punches kept coming. Sirius could feel the bruises forming on his face, stomach, arms, and everywhere else he had been hit. 

“Please, Father, stop.” Sirius’s pleaded in between punches. His nose had started to bleed fiercely.

“Is that how you beg those boys to fuck you? You fucking bitch.” Orion said with malice as he laid one more blow to Sirius’s head before backing away slightly.

“Whenever you even think about a boy again, remember this. Remember how badly I hurt you. And remember how fucking worthless you are.” Orion growled, before walking off to heal his knuckles.

Sirius let out a whimper. He was pretty sure his nose was broken and he could feel his eye swelling. He couldn’t let this happen again. Ever.

*End of Flashback*

When Sirius came out of his daze Remus and James were talking. Sirius only caught the end of what they were saying.

“Oh Shut up you idiot, I’m like ten inches taller than you.” Remus joked. He was now holding the book he had been trying to reach. 

“Oh please you are not. Isn’t that right Sirius?” James asked, his look of triumph quickly turned into one of worry as he saw the look on his friends face.

“Hey are you ok Siri?” James asked quietly.

Sirius nodded he found words to hard to process right now.

James glanced at him again before turning back to Remus. “I should be going. Have fun. But not too much fun.” James said with a wink before walking away.

Remus blushes at James words then shook his head. “I’m gonna find a spot to read, come on.”

Sirius couldn’t do anything but stare. Remus’s blush was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. No. No,no,no,no,no. He shouldn’t be having these thoughts. And why now of all times. He should be thinking about death. Not the way Remus’s eyes light up when he reads. He deserved to be punished for these thoughts. He had to be punished. He craved it.


	5. Chapter 5

It was like torture. Watching Remus read was bad enough. But halfway through his chapter Remus had strewn himself over Sirius’s lap. His head rested on Sirius’s legs. Though the Marauders were known for their overly affectionate nature, this was different. 

Sirius felt tingles run up his spine. He had to stop himself. This was wrong. So wrong. He felt his father's fists on him again. He heard his words. Worthless. He was worthless. His heart had hammering in his chest. He was surprised Remus hadn't heard it. He felt his feelings bubble up inside of him, until there was no room left. He had to let them out. He needed to let them out.

"I need to go to the bathroom." Sirius said, standing up abruptly, and almost throwing Remus off the couch.

Remus frowned slightly and put a bookmark in his book. "Okay let's go then." 

Sirius didn't know how he was gonna do this. He needed to see blood. That's how he always punished himself for these thoughts. But how was he gonna do that with Remus standing right at the door? 

"Sirius, aren't you going to use the bathroom?" Remus asked, leaning against a stall door.

"Yeah, I'll just, yeah." Sirius muttered going into the farthest stall he could without breaking ten feet.

Sirius heard the bathroom door open and close. Signifying that Remus was waiting on the outside now. Sirius wanted his blade. But his nails would do for now. Sirius rolled up his sleeve and dug his nails into his arm. He needed to be punished. He deserved it. He dragged his nails lengthwise along his arm. Over and over again until the skin started peeling. He had to be fast.

"Sirius, you ok in there?" Remus asked through the door. 

"Yeah, I'll be right out." Sirius replied. 

He stuck his arm in the sink and washed off most of the blood, not that there was much anyway, then dried his hands and left the bathroom. 

Remus was waiting there patiently. Sirius couldn't look him in the eyes. He knew better than that. Remus had a way with looking right into peoples soul.

"Well I kinda have to do some stuff so, I'm gonna leave you with Peter okay." Remus said, trying to catch Sirius's eye.

Whatever." Sirius grumbled, letting Remus guide him to wherever Peter was.

___________________

Peter was, by far, the easiest Marauders to trick. Which was why Sirius didn't mind being left with him. At the moment Peter was asleep. And if not for the fact that Sirius couldn't be more than ten feet away from Peter, Sirius would have found his blades and been dead by now. 

Sirius didn't quite know when he had gone from wanting to have a new life to not wanting one at all. But he did remember when he had started his nasty little habit.

*Flashback*  
It was after a bad beating when he was eleven. One far worse than the usual broken nose. Ribs were cracked, fingers were broken, and he was bleeding from his head. Sirius hadn't felt that bad in a while. He will admit that it was his fault. The dishes weren't clean and he had broken a plate. I mean for God sakes, what was wrong with him? He deserved it.

Sirius had been trying to climb the steps for about ten minutes. His legs weren't functioning properly. He felt like a puppet, his limbs were not under his control. 

After an agonizing trip up the stairs, Sirius made his way to the bathroom. Sirius took off his clothes. He looked in the mirror and assessed the damage. His nose was definitely broken. But this wasn't anything new. Without so much as a whimper he pushed the bone back into place. He sported a long cut on his fore head. Two of his fingers were broken, as well as three of his ribs. His arms and legs were heavily bruised. It was probably the worst he had ever been beaten. But it was fixable.

Sirius had to heal himself the muggle way, with the exception of the few wandless healing spells he knew. When he was done he looked like he had been attacked. This was his fault. He should have done his chores I'm a timely manner. He was angry at himself.

Sirius felt his anger swell inside of him. Like it was filling him up. He had to let it out. He needed to.

Sirius began clawing at his arms. He felt so full. He hated it. He slammed his fists into the mirror, savoring the feeling of glass puncturing his hand. Sirius grabbed a piece of of glass off the floor and dragged it across his thigh. It felt good. But not for long. The feeling left just as quick as it came. He needed more. He dragged the glass over his legs again. This time causing more blood to spill. He like how the blood looked on his pale skin. He liked it a little too much. He had went overboard. His legs were covered in the cuts he had made along with the bruises. It hurt to move. 

"What's all that racket Sirius?" Walburga yelled up the stairs.

"Nothing." Sirius said back. He quickly cleaned the blood off him and the floor, and cast a quick wandless "Reparo" to the mirror. Next time he'd have to be more careful.

*End of Flashback*

Sirius found himself tracing the old scars on his legs. Maybe if that had never happened he wouldn't have turned out so fucked up. But oh well, can't change the past. 

Peter had been asleep for almost an hour. Sirius didn't have anything better to do so he curled up in the nearest bed, and followed Peter's example. A certain amber eyed werewolf plagued his dreams.


	6. Chapter 6

Sirius had a big problem. No, it wasn’t his frequent suicidal thoughts. Or his less than great therapy sessions. Nor was it his lack of motivation to live. It was Remus. Sirius couldn’t get him out of his head. Why now, of all times, did he get a huge crush on his best friend?

For three days Remus had been torturing Sirius. Not intentionally, of course. But the hugs and friendly flirting they usually shared felt different now. Not to mention the fact that Remus was beautiful. Or that he always checked up on Sirius to make sure he was ok. That adorable bastard was ruining his life.

Though he knew he shouldn’t be feeling like this, he couldn’t stop it. He had to punish himself constantly for the horrid thoughts that were running ramped in his mind. His arms were pink and swollen from how many times he had scraped the skin off them, but he had to. It was the only was to keep the thoughts at bay. He was pathetic.

“Sirius, you ok in there?” James asked.

Sirius sighed, he had been in the bathroom for awhile. He dabbed some toilet paper on his scratched arm then flushed it. “Yeah, I’m fine. Coming right out.”

James looked him over when he came out of the bathroom. Probably making sure he didn’t do anything to himself. “Well let’s go then, lunch isn’t gonna eat itself.” James said cheerfully as he lead Sirius to the Great Hall.


End file.
